literature

Allcrest 0: Origin of the Shadows

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I had already mumbled my first words in this dimension; there was light. There needed to be more than just light. I needed land, beings, and balance. And it was so. There cannot just be order and there cannot just be chaos. Needing balance, I created Chaos and Order. Both genderless; they could choose at any moment what to be, for neither chaos nor order is limited to one sex. Order created the sins; Wrath, Greed, Envy, Lust, Sloth, Gluttony, and Pride. Chaos created the virtues; Patience, Charity, Kindness, Chastity, Diligence, Temperance and Humility.

To protect the beings that I had yet to create, I separated the land from myself and my old home by an impassible chasm; the beings on this land that I have yet to create shall not be allowed to see us, even if they somehow find a way to observe the planets. It's part of keeping them ignorant, and will rule out who truly believes.

I wanted more planets than just the one for my beings. In this vast open space, it'd be a waste not to. So I began to work, creating planet after planet. It was beautiful. Unfortunately, Lucifer saw the planets that I was creating. Each time I'd create a planet, he had started a war with my angels and me. He wanted it to be part of his realm. There were so many planets. Too many wars all at once. Both parties of the war were constantly exhausted.

Eventually, we came to an agreement. Every so many years, we would fight for the next planet in line. Each planet that I owned became part of my Kingdom. Each planet that Lucifer owned became a level of Hell. Naturally, after a planet had been won over, our inhabitants began to live there.

Between all of these wars, I was still working on beings to rule over; beings that weren't my angels. I had spent too long trying to get the human race the way I wanted it. I only had so much power. Each time, it was just a little better than the last. However, I observed the last time and saw every flaw with it and then created my final creation. I sighed with relief. After so many tries, I had finally done it.

Now it was time for that lie to set in. I swept the false knowledge over Hell and Earth; people believing that Lucifer tried to overthrow me and that I created Hell for him and his followers after I fist sent them to Earth as punishment. This wasn't a total lie. Lucifer and his beings did roam Earth with my humans. In fact, early into Earth's civilizations, we fought wars on Earth. Some places were sterilized with radiation. In the end, both sides exhausted, we said that we would wait for the ultimate battle for Earth; my son and his son shall fight. We left the battle for Earth at that.

Between the wars and the confusion of all three parties, information was jumbled. I tried to make my land perfect. Once again, Lucifer got in the way of this. I kept trying to make their world a peaceful and loving world. Each time Lucifer had gotten in the way. Each time I had failed.

Often times my angels would go to Earth with our advanced technology and help the people of Earth. Sometimes Lucifer's demons would impregnate the women of Earth. Sometimes, even the sins would go to Earth and mate and impregnate with the women there.

Often times, there were mistranslations and misinterpretations between messages from my angels and Lucifer's demons. This would cause the humans to take in the wrong information. They would write the wrong things or misunderstand. Even then, after all of that, they would re-read what they had written and even get that information wrong. Some would even lie and say that I told them of a new law to write. They got the gist of it, but there was so much controversy and confusion.

Sometimes Lucifer's demons would portray themselves as Gods to the humans; some with animal parts, some pretending to be good, some with more than the average amount of appendages; all just to derive them from my worship. My followers would get to them soon enough, I thought at the time, so I wasn't too worried.


You see, each planet that I had was part of my Kingdom. They all joined together to be part of my Heavenly Kingdom. To keep things balanced, I created a hierarchy. Each planet was part of my Kingdom, and each planet had its own name and ranking of inhabitants.

In each of my planets that all made up my Kingdom, I chose one person to look over that planet. They all reported to me and I gave them all news and orders that they were to tell their people. Those who were meant to watch this planet were called queens. There were no kings; I am King. Gender did not separate title. Almost all queens in my Kingdom were male. Their wives were princes.

On a planet not too far from Earth, we had an arranged war. At first, this land was Lucifer's, until I won it over with my angels. Due to this war, our people mixed on this new land that had become part of my Kingdom. One particular group of Lucifer's followers that resided in that previous level was going to make the greatest difference in Kingdom History. However, every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. The Shadows family were nothing but diamonds in the rough.

This family consisted of nothing but thieves. What made them so famous was how well they did it. No one ever knew where they were, and that's how they got their name of Shadows; they hid and stole in the night. All of their skin was pale from the lack of sun; their hair usually dark to help them hide in the night or red to make their eyes stand out even more; their eyes piercing blue to stop you in your tracks. They were meant to mesmerize you while they stole the shoes off of your feet. Indeed, they were beautiful. What evil wasn't tempting? Nonetheless, every sinner has a future and every saint has a past.

In the Northern Kingdom, where the Shadows family had resided, there was a ceromony every time there was a message from me. All of the people gathered to hear my words. So many people, all engrossed. Would they notice a few misplaced items?

Nekemesus Shadows was a tall man with long curly black hair. His bangs framed his face on the sides and the bottom of his bangs was just above his piercing slate blue eyes. He was swift, gentle; a lie smith, and quick to think. His specialty was large crowds. So, naturally, this ceremony was the perfect place and time to get new things. He was walking in the crowd, pick pocketing as he got closer to the stand. Dagger in hand, for protection, he saw a particularly dark shadow. He turned his head to see that the owner of this shadow had blood red eyes. Nekemesus was intrigued by this man, so he followed him. As Nekemesus followed this man, he observed more things about him. He was a demon.

By the time Nekemesus could see the sword in his hands, they were nearly on the stage where Queen Selum was telling the people of my words. Nekemesus saw that this demon was more demon than that of the mixed breeds in the Northern Kingdom. He was no pick pocket. This demon was here with a message; to demoralize the people of the Northern Kingdom, my strongest kingdom, by killing their leader right before their eyes.

The demon jumped onto the stage, screeching. The crowd instantly fell in fear. Shouts of women and small children could be heard. Many people ran, but those close to the front were petrified. The demon hissed and screeched, laughing at the fear that he drowned my people in. He pulled out his sword, many voices saying at different times "This is a message from your future ruler; the Prince of Darkness." He raised his sword for Queen Selum, and the crowd screamed.

Nekemesus jumped onto the stage with the demon, and stabbed him in the back of the neck; his dagger going through the front of his throat. His heart was racing more than ever before. He quickly took the sword from the demon, and pushed it to the ground. To ensure his death, Nekemesus had Queen Selum bless the sword quickly, and decapitated the demon with the blessed sword. The demon hissed and convulsed before becoming a flame. Soon, the demon was reduced to nothing but a pile of ashes.

Nekemesus Shadows had saved Queen Selum. A Shadows member had done good. The crowd stood in awe, along with Selum. Nekemesus turned to face the crowd, the blood of the demon on his face. He looked on at his people. After some silence, they began to cheer. The praise of the people and the feeling of doing his land good changed something inside of him. From that moment on, Nekemesus decided that he would change his ways. He would do good from now on; abandon thievery.

A week later, Nekemesus was knighted. Eventually, he had married Selum's daughter, Eriana. After Selum and his wife, Alene, had passed, Nekemesus became Queen, as directed by Selum's will. Nekemesus and Eriana had one son; Kalehn Shadows. Kalehn Shadows married Nerir Sain, and they had three sons and four daughters; Jakea, Ael, Tayme, Leu, Mirana, Kassera, and Julariana.

Jakea, taking part of the Shadows blood, had straight razor cut red hair that reached his shoulders and piercing blue eyes. Ael, taking after his mother, had curly golden blond hair that reached his shoulders and blue eyes. Tayme, taking after his mother, had blond hair that reached the bottom of his earlobe and blue eyes. Leu, taking from both her parents, had brown hair that reached her lower back and blue eyes, along with Mariana (they were twins). Kassera had black hair that reached the middle of her back and blue eyes. Julariana had medium length blond hair that reached just below her shoulder blades and blue eyes.

Jakea was exploring the Kingdom. He left the main city to the forest, and followed a trail of white and red flowers that were growing on vines on trees uphill. He then came across a giant stone, which looked like a door, only there was no handle. The stone had a golden trim and had vines covering the walls next to it. In fact... Jakea looked on both sides of the stone. It went on and on forever on both sides. "This must be the border to our Kingdom." Jakea whispered to himself. He slowly reached out to the door, thinking on how he never realized how close the capitol is to the edge of the Kingdom.

"Jakea Shadows!" Kalehn shouted. Jakea jumped and turned around. "What have I told you? Don't stray from the city!" Kalehn grabbed Jakea by his shoulder and pulled him from the door.

"Stay away from this! Do you understand me? You'll be tainted!"
"But, Father, I was just-"
"I don't care! I'm sick of you and your wandering and adventuring!  You never listen! You always have to touch things! You always break things! You always have to be the one to cause mayhem and mischief!"
"Father, I wasn't-"
"I said enough! You are to be locked to your room with no dinner for tonight! Your mother and I are tired of telling you to stay in the city!"

Kalehn took Jakea to his room, and, as he promised, locked him away with no supper. Despite his hungry stomach, Jakea could only think of that door. He had to touch it. It was in his mind, and it had to happen. That night, he climbed from his window and down the tree outside his window. If he could touch the door--no. Now that he was so close then pulled away from it, he had to know more about it. He had to kiss the door. This way, he could know everything he wanted to know about the door. (That was his gift from me; a kiss of knowledge. Each citizen born in my Kingdoms got a gift. If you were royalty, you got a special gift that no one else would have.)

Jakea followed the same trail as before. He basked in the wonders of the door. As he reached for it, his heart raced. Then, he touched it. To his surprise, the small boy felt nothing. This time, Jakea smacked the door with his hand. He felt his whole body go forward and become weightless as he fell through the stone door. As he fell to Earth, he aged backwards. He could feel himself getting smaller, feel his knowledge depleting, and he could feel his clothes getting bigger. Panic rushed over the small boy and he screamed for help. However, in this situation, no one could save him.

A baby landed naked in a trash can. A nun came off of a bus and walked by the trash can, hearing the screams and cries of the child. She turned and saw the baby. The woman instantly began to cry. She grabbed the baby boy. The message I sent to her took in; she renamed him his old name; Jakea. The woman took him out of the cold, wet streets of London.

Jakea was put into St.Christopher's Orphanage. There, when he was barely two years old, he was adopted by the Halton family, who moved to America the summer before ninth grade.
Yaaaaaaaaay. For some one with no internet, I sure am have gotten a lot done in a day. D:

I wrote this all in a day. Then I read it over and saw that it was ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE. So I had to arrange paragraphs. Then I had to go through and make sure that I didn't leave anything out, then I had to reread it to make sure that it made sense, then I had to read to fix spelling, grammar, etc. Y'a know. Proofreading.

THEN I FLASH DRIVE'D TO THIS COMPUTER AND USED ITS SPELL CHECK. xD Thank you, Microsoft Office.

I haven't a clue when Chapter Two will be out because... Well... I need to talk to the creator of the comics that I was explaining in Allcrest -1t: Building God about some things, so I haven't even a clue as of to what chapter two is about. xD

I'm being more of a big picture kinda person here. I posted this one now because I know that NO MATTER WHAT, this one HAD to be first. Also, I'm SO BORED. Well, here you go.
© 2012 - 2024 Aubriella
Comments13
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MagicalJoey's avatar
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
:iconsuperwritershelp:

Firstly, while I do normally critique poetry, I will be critiquing this prose entry of yours.

Now, the crit:

My very first thought when reading this is that it seems almost too close to Christianity, especially as you mention 'Lucifer'. I would try to differentiate it, as the story is (to my knowledge) basically about the Shadows family. You have a lot of preamble leading up to the introduction of the Shadows, and most of that preamble sounds as if it could have come straight out of a Bible. Personally I think that having this relate so closely to Christianity will ruffle a lot of feathers and cause problems for you with some of your readers.

I had spent too long trying to get the human race the way I wanted it. I only had so much power.
You allude to the fact that your speaker, and creator, is an omnipotent being, yet you mention that here 'I only had so much power'. You also mention that your speaker is continually fighting, yet if he/she only has so much power wouldn't the fights have been lost long ago?

Now it was time for that lie to set in.
What lie? You can't have 'that' if you haven't been speaking about a lie in the previous sentences. I would change 'that' to 'the'.

...Lucifer tried to over throw me and that I...
over throw should be overthrow

Often times my angles would go to Earth...
angles should be angels

...even the sins would go to Earth and mate and impregnate with the men and women there.
This event seems improbable. Especially as men can't be impregnated, as you insinuate that they are at the end of this sentence. I would personally leave this whole section out and simply end with the demons impregnating the women.

This would cause for the humans to intake the wrong information.
A bit grammatically incorrect.
This would cause the humans to take in the wrong information <-- That's how it should be.

Even then, after all of that, they would re-read what they have written and get even that information wrong.
re-read what they HAD written
and EVEN GET that information wrong

However, ever saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. The Shadows family was nothing but diamonds in the rough.
EVERY saint
family WERE nothing

...they were nearly on the stage where King Selum was telling the people of my words.
king should be queen

After Selum and his wife, Alene, had passed, Nekemesus had become Queen, as directed by Selum's will
you don't need the 'had' between Nekemesus and become.
become should also be became

You have a very long (and somewhat boring) descriptive paragraph of what the children look like. I would leave the descriptions to when you mention something each child does. For example, you mention that Jakea was exploring. Why not have something like "Jakea, the eldest son, who, taking part of the Shadows' blood, had straight razor cut red hair and piercing blue eyes...was exploring the kingdom.”

(That was his gift from me; a kiss of knowledge. Each citizen born in my Kingdoms got a gift. If you were loyalty, you got a special gift that no one else would have.)
This is the first time you mention a gift, and I think it comes too close to the end
also, should 'loyalty' not be 'royalty'

I like that the speaker/God was still looking out for the boy and was able to give the nun the message. I do find it a bit cliché that he was found by a nun. He could have been found by a random passer-by and still taken to the orphanage.

Overall I like the idea behind your story, but your characterisation of the Shadows comes too late and you spend too much time talking about the kingdoms. If you could condense the beginning and then focus more on Nekemesus, maybe even contrasting more between his thief side and his new side, it would be a better story to read. I found myself wanting to skip over the whole 'planets, Lucifer, etc' part until I got to the interesting bit where Nekemesus came in.

Jo